I listened to the sound of your waves as they hit me…I fell over into the sand and my hands slide under the soft, wet stones so small they feel like silk…I look out over the hills and falls of the vastness of you and want to float away in your pull…only you are quiet…there is no reason to go just yet…as a youth it is faint and smooth, as you age you are frightening…

How old are you?

What makes you so strong and so distant?

I roll my fingers into you now…washing away the sand. I give back what you gave me because you will only push it back to me…

Does this get old?

Will I let it?

The moon was high but there seemed a darkness around me…I closed my eyes and felt the familiar sensation from you…devil. Before I could react with even a smile I was enclosed in your arms and slowly being pulled into your passion…away from you I fell…now believing I was still on the sand I opened my eyes and reached out in the pure darkness I found myself in…the door was solid under my touch and I realized I was trapped in your white ship sailing away with you…I rapped on the door over and over again but to no avail…I was alone in my prison and you were not coming to comfort me.

I could feel the waves move the ground beneath my feet, the smell of salt and other underwater worldly goods…I gained more strength and rapped more…begging for a minute of the devil's time but still I remained alone and wondered why the devil had taken me away without a word. “Please come to me devil, I want to know, understand…I need the knowledge of you” but only tears and my tired hands were left to me.

I remain in your locked room, devil. I remain here until you set me free…there is no key for the door upon the white ship and I will never be able to get out without you…come save me…set me free…

In one week I will never be the same again...You've settled in me for long enough and I am done...I have to live for my children, for my future, for my self...I hope that the conversation is taken easily, understood completely, and that hope continues.

I keep going over in my head what it is that makes this harder to shake than other times...I guess it is because Superman has died and no one ever expects that to happen...I knew there would be a deadline but I did not think I would be fighting to reach it day by day...not fair in my eyes until I think about all the evils that brought me to this point.

I keep my hopes high...my thoughts scrambled...and my love wide for my family and friends...

I’m sitting here facing many obstacles in my world and I wanted to reach out to someone…but then I started to think about the people who I have in my circle and realized that none of them need my obstacles…

what a gaggle of friends I’ve made…a self made millionaire…a truck driver with several kids who is a man-whore as he travels…a childish man who needs his mother…a young grandmother…two do it all mothers…a confusing woman of leisure…a divorcing fireman…a dying man needing a friend…a newly lesbian best friend…a car part salesman…a bus driver…an Army soldier…and an injured ex police negotiator…

How dynamic my world is having known these people…having exchanged moments and friendships…Some have slipped away into my memories and some have just slipped away…it is true what they say about loving and losing…I am better for having known each and every one of them and I wish everyone I know a special world as their lives move through time...welcome to my 9th level Michael Smith….grok?

I often lay there looking at your back, the part that is usually facing me and think about wrapping my arms around you and seeing if you would hold me...you once asked about me wearing an undergarment and what it did for me...I thought...it does what I want you to do...hold me up and squeeze me tight! Why is it that I feel some sort of shame in trying to touch you? I know it will do nothing for me but I know that you need and want to be touched...made feel like you matter but it is so hard when you hide things from me and make secret your life. I've always known how you were and I suppose it is no big surprise that it has only gotten worse over the years but it is coming to a head and something is going to go.I know that if I treat you better I may finally get some respect but it has not worked before and did not last...why did I think anything would change just because you need what I have now...I feel like I am doing this alone...I wish you would just go sometimes because I know you don't want me...I've known for years. I stopped loving you long ago also...what is left is just shells of people bumping into each other...you've neglected me for so long and I've done the same for you. We live different lives and you always get to do what you want while I am stuck with what you let go of. Not a fair life...never has been...yet you get so much credit for it all...I wish there was some sort of score board giving me all the points to get into heaven...but I know that even now I do not deserve to because of my thoughts...one day I will try again and touch you and get pushed away...you've become so dry...and you are only aging...do I want and deserve this for the next 20 years? Probably...I will never meet companionship...so now I can relax and sleep one more night...my disappointment for you...us...is gone.