Someone sent this to me...you probably have read it.......but I laugh as I shovel my snow! Enjoy and think of me....pray for sunshine!
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first
snow of
the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and
sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked
like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again.
I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more
lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy
again. I did both our
driveway
and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plough came
along and covered up
the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a
perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow.
Such a
disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow
by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think
that's possible.
Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to
-20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I
warmed up
by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life!
The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll
certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and
puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and
bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra
shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass
on the ice
in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell.
The wife laughed
for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too
icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay
warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I
should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's
right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another
14" of the damn stuff
last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snow plough
came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy
playing hockey.
I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about
buying a snow blower,
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're
lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it
done and bill me.
I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas,
because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt 'til
August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel, and then I had
to piss.
By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again,
I was too tired to
shovel!
Tried to hire Bob, who has a plough on his truck, for
the rest of the
winter; but he says
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up
to "0".
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning.
What, is she nuts??!!! Why didn't she tell me to do
that a month ago?
She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snow plough,
I broke the shovel.
Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son-of-a-bitch who drives that
snow plough,
I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
him to death with my
broken shovel.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and
then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over
everywhere I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our
presents,
but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snow
plough.
December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more
inches of
the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my
blood boil.
God, I hate the snow! Then the snow plough driver
came by asking for a
donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad
attitude.
I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's a Wonderful Life"
one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I
ever move here? It was
all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the
pipes froze. Plumber came
after 14 hours
of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed
in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it
could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow
plough driver. He is now
suing me
for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave
him, but also for
trying to shove
the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little
white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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